When submitting documents such as papers or grant proposals, you are told to use Times New Roman. Job coaches tell you that TNR or Arial are best for resumes – depending upon whether your job coach is a fan of serifs or not. But what should you use all those other times? Herewith, a primer of usual fonts for unusual occasions.
For the Dear John letter: Zapfino.
Dear John, I am leaving you for the nanny. Sheila says hi, by the way.
For the ransom note – what else but Courier?
Leave 20 million behind the oak tree at the church if you ever want to see your beloved iguana Fifi again.
For the letter of recommendation for your trusted servant: Cracked.
To Whom It May Concern: Igor is a wonderful lackey, and has connections to get the best brains for whatever your project requires.
For the letter excusing your ten-year-old from gym class: Futura.
Please excuse Timmy from gym class. He suffered a broken collar bone when Lassie pulled him from the well.
For the letter your ten-year-old writes to excuse himself from gym class: Comic Sans.
Please excuse me from gym class because I don’t feel well. Timmy’s mother.
Faux-suicide notes for the obnoxious ex you plan to murder depend upon the method:
Poisoning: Apple Chancery
Please forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done to you, [your name]
Hanging: Papyrus (or alternatively, Herculanum)
I just can’t live with myself after I broke [your name]’s heart…
Poison Pen letters from the person who saw you leaving your ex’s house just before the body was found: Marker Felt.
I know what it was you did, and you don’t honestly think you’re going to get away with it, do you?
And, finally, your confession after the cops track you down, with the incriminating copy of the suicide note in your Documents file (since you always forget to clear out your Documents file, even though you remembered to kill the copy on your desktop): Copperplate.
Yes, I did it. And here’s how I did it. And I would do it all again if I had a chance.
I think that just about covers all the eventualities, doesn’t it?