Yesterday was a freaking bear.*

A person I was looking forward to having coffee with flaked. I did spend the time blogging and talking on IM, though, so it was not a complete loss. No, the trouble began fifteen minutes after I got to work.

I was in the most pain I’ve been in at work yet. I contemplated going home. I tried my best to keep a smile on my face and do a good job of pretending. (It helped that I had had a good night’s sleep beforehand. Today, on only a few hours of sleep broken by pain, might be quite a bit more difficult.) I didn’t want pity, and I did not want anyone — such as a supervisor — suggesting I would be better off if I went home. Because I would have. And thus far, after over two months, I have only let my disability get the better of me once (when I got sick enough from the meds that I was throwing up — I ended up going home for three hours until I felt better). I was certainly not going to start now.

Work helps amazingly. It keeps my mind occupied, and makes me feel competent in spite of my disability. Yesterday, pain not withstanding, I kicked ass. I was one of if not the most productive production clerks in the office. (We were filling binders that will be sent out to the field over the next few days. At the end of the day I was in a virtual dead heat with another clerk for most binders assembled.) And by the end of four hours, the pain had abated somewhat so that I was able to complete the day without too much trouble.

I can’t take the fibromyalgia drugs now on the market. They interact with other drugs I have to take, and have side effects that would be difficult for me to deal with. I can take pain meds — except for ibuprofen, which my doctor has taken me off of out of conern for my stomach. Pity, because ibuprofen is the drug that works most effectively (even better, in many situations, than Vicoden, although that is better if I want to sleep).

If I go home, if I give into the pain, then I become an invalid. I’ve done that, and the hit to my self-esteem is in some ways worse than the pain. It certainly does not make me feel better.

Have I ever mentioned exactly how much I hate this disease?

*See? I really am trying to work on the swearing thing.

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